As you move in and out of the trauma around you it may be helpful to know that there is terminology to explain
your experiences and emotions. I have written some here. If you have something to add please do so.
You can email us at support@brokenties.org

Ammunition

Ammunition is the toolbox of psychological games that the abuser has on hand to break his target. As you read through this section of terminology in the field of abuse you will come across the various tools the abusers use.

Bait and Switch

“Bait and switch” isn’t a matter of making a mistake or having a change of heart.  It’s intentional manipulation.  Someone makes a promise – or establishes a conditioned reaction –  such as, doing something for another person with regularity or in honor of an action or occasion —knowing all the while that s/he will never honor that promise once the conditions have been firmly established.

Blackmail

When we put another person into a position of fear if they do not comply to our wishes we are committing blackmail. Sadly many people fall prey to the alienator’s blackmail games in an effort to keep the peace in their homes. It is only after much time that they learn they were exploited for the gain of another person who now has power of them and can control their relationships with their children.

Building deceptive trust – Ambiguity

Emotional abuse is ambiguous and hard to prove, which cause people closest to the victim to view him/her as exaggerating, overly sensitive, scorned, or obsessed, thereby withholding support. The level of harassment and emotional abuse usually begins slowly and increases with time, typically after a period of deceptive closeness and affinity. This makes it so much harder for the victim to notice when the approach gradually turns negative, but is hidden from everyone else.

Circumstantial Alienation

Sometimes there is no third party and the child did not have a major rift with the parent. More likely, the child is presently spending her time in a social atmosphere conducive for encouraging individuality and the American view of ‘doing what’s best for you’. Within this concept it is okay to eliminate a parent or parents to make one’s life more convenient.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort that is experienced by someone when they hold two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. In an abusive relationship cognitive dissonance plays a role in paralyzing the victim from making a committed decision to take action – as the two mental views conflict heavily in the victim’s mind. The contradictory views are usually formed via subtle messages from the abuser that has upset the victim’s original values/thoughts. Thus forming another element of psychological abuse.

Collateral Damage

Sometimes in Alienation as the alienator goes about his goal of achieving power or covering up a secret he will destroy anyone in his path that can hinder his advancements. Often a wife is aware of her husband’s exploits and to protect himself he will destroy her. She is simply collateral damage for his goals. She is not guilty of any wrongdoing.

Complex trauma

Complex trauma is a type of trauma that develops over time based on repeated, multiple, and cumulative traumatic events that are often of an invasive and interpersonal nature. It typically involves direct harm, exploitation, and maltreatment of a child or adult victim, especially at vulnerable times in their lives due to age, disability, dependency, and disempowerment.

Contempt

Contempt is an emotion that is a mixture of disgust and anger, usually directed toward a lower-status individual. It requires a sense of judgment against the target person and is used to create psychological distance or withdrawal. It precludes sympathetic identification and is common in abusive relationships as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval, and contempt is displayed nonverbally.

Covering Their Basis

Alienators know whom they are targeting – whom they want to appear as a failed/incompetent parent. To be sure that this targeted parent will not receive support from their closest family and friends they use their charisma and leadership qualities to befriend and offer gifts/privileges to anyone that might otherwise care to protect the targeted parent. The alienator’s goal is for the victim’s support system to visualize them as a kind and caring people. This will cause the targeted parent to be isolated from family and friends once they do notice the damage that has been done to them.  Their closest people will not believe that the person being held accountable for the damage is their benefactor. The alienator has covered his basis.

Dependency:

A better word would be ‘misdirected dependency’. In our culture of strong family and social ties a certain degree of dependency is inevitable. We all have certain roles that we play and in combination we have a functional community. Problems arise when an individual within this structure fears expressing their own needs or has their needs denied. This will happen if there is another person in the structure that wants power and wants another person (or others) to know who controls matters here. The control can be for finances, keeping information hidden, or for the benefit of influencing others with his perspectives.

Devaluing

Devaluing or devaluation is a typical strategy that is applied by psychopathic or narcissistic personalities as part of a relationship cycle with predictable stages: idealize, devalue, and discard. The process may take days or several years depending on the needs of the abuser and the challenge presented to him. With affection and charm they first hook their victims and gain their trust. The abuser is at his best behavior. This is the ‘idealize’ stage. But he may get bored, or have gained all the satisfaction or benefits from the victim, who is now only a liability and a burden. Their lack of interest will now turn into a stage of ‘devaluing’. They may now position the victim at a disadvantage to increase their hold by attacking their self-esteem and credibility in others’ eyes. Once the status of the victim is diminished in the eyes of others the abuser is free to walk off himself. That is the ‘discard’ stage. Throughout this connection only one person had the advantage. The one controlling all the stages.

Digging

When speaking to alienated children we often hear comments such as, ‘my mother never understood me as a teenager’ or ‘she criticized how I keep my room’. These are both typical comments from teenagers worldwide. These are not a reflection of a harsh or derogatory parent. That is why these comments are called ‘digging’, as these children are taking typical everyday home life and finding fault within those lines.

Disengagement

“There is a particular sort of betrayal that is more insidious and equally corrosive to trust. In fact, this betrayal usually happens long before the other ones. I’m talking about the betrayal of disengagement. Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship.” (from “Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown) This betrayal can reflect our children’s attitude towards their targeted parent as the process of alienation is happening.

Double life

Abusers deliberately create a double life—one as an upstanding family man and pillar in their community, and the other as a ruthless manipulator in the privacy of their homes—to establish admiration and trust with the outside world while camouflaging their deviant behavior and treatment of their victim. They often hold positions of authority and take meticulous care to establish and protect their public image. It is important for them that their public image present practically G-dly. They will appear to have endless patience, never rushing, always there to listen and to help out. This is done as a form of protection for the abuser/alienator. This way it will not be believable that this person can actually be a destructive manipulator. In the minds of the public this man is ‘a good man’. He has played his cards well by personally implanting his defense in the minds of the public.

Double Cross

Alienators are adept at playing you to see their truth about their feelings towards you while simultaneously creating a reverse feeling towards you – their target – within your social circle. They may convince you that you are a masterful artist, writer, social bud, while at the same time firmly establishing that you are actually thought of as a poor candidate for those skills within your social circle. This causes the target to feel off balance – which is the goal of the alienator.

Engineering Consent

The abuser employs his strategies to control and command his victim according to his will without her knowing about it. In essence the victim’s self-esteem is manipulated through validation by the abuser. By making overt, indirect, or implied promises, whether they intend to follow through or not, he engineers consent of the victim. By selectively manipulating his own image to the victim and others, he strengthens her dependency and value of him, while also influencing her self-concept. He also uses others in his matrix of lies to cleverly put his victim in a position where she has to consent to his plans.

Estrangement

Estrangement is often used to explain a rift between a parent child relationship. However it is not a substitute for alienation. They reference very different aspects of the parent-child rift. In estrangement the rift is a fallout between the parent and child. In alienation the relationship was warm and respectable until a third party, the alienator, played his psychological games on the family landscape to unbalance the playing field resulting in the children losing trust and affection towards the parent.

Exploit

In each abusive relationship the abuser has a deliberate or subconscious objective to exert the effort and risk needed to successfully control another person. It is the feelings of power, reward, and personal gratification that excites him into action. An abusive personality will surround himself with a victim or victims who are vulnerable, can be controlled by various means such as threats, coercion, or emotional blackmail, and—more importantly—can contribute to achieving his goals of power and satisfaction. Such exploitation is enacted by instilling fear, obligation, or guilt in the victim, also known by the acronym “FOG”.

Fabricated Evidence

For an Alienator to be believed that his subject is truly unloving and fearful he will usually fabricate evidence to make it appear true. In fabricating evidence often only part of a story is told so that the clear judgement of the targeted parent isn’t apparent and they appear to be acting unloving. An example would be to tell a child that he/she has an uncaring parent because she missed PTA night without sharing that she was at the bedside of a gravely ill grandparent. Fabricated evidence usually plays a large role in alienating children from a parent.

Fear

Fear is a typical complaint of a child towards an alienated parent where the child will claim “I am so afraid of you”. However upon further discussion there is no true reason for this fear.

Fear of Judgment

Fear of Judgment, Fear of feeling foolish or weak, Fear of pushed to go against ‘ones perspective’. This is the feeling our children have once they have been manipulated to think that a parent is unstable and they show a strong reluctance to entertain the concept that the parent may actually be innocent or more so a victim of abuse.

Fundamental Attribution Error

This is an error in judgement – often on the part of a mentor or therapist – where the targeted parent is judged by their behavior rather than the circumstances that impacted that behavior. Such as, if the targeted parent was groomed (conditioned) to trust another family member over years or decades and then that family member suddenly betrays the relationship the victim – or the targeted parent – will react with anguish. This is normal. However, for those that are not aware of the circumstances they will simply err by judging only the behavior – which will seem irrational.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. It may be to make the victim believe or doubt that the abuse ever occurred, that they are to blame, or to disorient the victim.

Gatekeeper

In alienation a gatekeeper is usually a single person within a family or social group that has a specific goal and uses his power of influence to control the thoughts and behaviors of his followers – often the children and friends of the targeted parent. The gatekeeper will not hesitate to fabricate evidence when necessary as long as he sees that he has total control over his flock (family or community members). These people often have power and the respect of community members. Therefore their directives are trusted without question. This can cause horrific harm to innocent victims when the influential tactics are used to degrade them or to make them appear unstable. Sadly, children that have been trained to follow authority will usually succumb to these false narratives and will begin to reject the targeted parent.

Grooming

Grooming is defined as a predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior. Although it is usually associated with child victims of physical abuse, but can apply to adults too when they are primed to allow herself to be exploited or abused. A predator will identify and engage a victim and work to gain the target’s trust, break down defenses, and manipulate the victim until they get what they need. Common tactics, usually applied in turn, are overt attention, ego stroking, physical isolation, charm, gift-giving, normalizing, gaslighting, secrecy, and threats.

Hypnotic Resistance

A state of mind of a child that is a victim of an alienator that refuses to believe anything told to them by anyone that contradicts the belief employed by the alienator. They hold on to these beliefs – often false and exaggerated – to the point of self destruction. It’s as if their brain is locked into this belief without the ability – or safety net – to feel able or secure to hear other versions of the concept they presently believe.

Hypocrite

Although this is a simple word which we all know means to behave one way but to believe another, I mention it here as this behavior is especially common among alienators. Sadly they appear like professionals or mentor, but in truth, are out to get something for themselves. Things they are often after are: the image of leadership, the trust of others – but only to gain status or to benefit financially or a desire to have others confide in them – again so they can use this info for their own personal use.

Idealize

The start of an abuser with psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies is to create the illusion that they idealize a person whom they want to use for some purpose. They assess their victim, ask probing questions to discover their needs and weaknesses, to build trust and closeness. They offer friendship, companionship, assistance, sympathy, and emotional and financial support—whatever it is that their “target” seems to need. They depict themselves as compatible, understanding, and trustworthy. These efforts may not even be entirely deliberate or calculated in every moment—it is also a natural projection of their personality. But the charm usually does not last very long. As soon as they get bored or sense that the victim is on their hook, their masks come off and they move onto the abusive phase where they devalue and exploit their victim.

Isolation

Isolating a victim is both a deliberate strategy that an abuser employs and a debilitating consequence of an abusive relationship. The psychological control of the abuser is strengthened and protected by isolating the victim from the outside world and her support system. It involveds controlling a person’s movements, social activity, access to others and information, and manipulating their image so that they are further excluded or marginalized. This is often a systematic process during which the victim is blocked from rights, opportunities, and resources that would otherwise be available to her. It serves the purpose of both manipulating and controlling a victim and protecting the abuser.

Image Control

Alienators are very cautious to create a positive image of themselves – especially amongst the family and friends of the targeted parent. This is why they will drive family members to the doctor or even pay their rent. It’s important that they create the aura that ‘they are good people’. This is their protection and when the victim comes to say that he/she is lying or fabricating evidence they will not be believed that a ‘wonderful person’ like the alienator could do something like this.

Imbalance of Power

An abusive relationship is always characterized by an imbalance of power that the abuser can exploit. Gender inequality often renders women vulnerable to abuse and exploitation and it is more pronounced in traditional patriarchal societies. As such, power is a significant element underlying the prevalence of abuse, especially when one party is perceived to have power and influence in his community, work, social, and familial circles, while the other partner is considered to be of a lower standing. Such power inequities not only enable an abuser to select his victim, but manipulate and isolate her from her support network as well.

Leverage

Once alienation takes place and the targeted parent has been devalued via gaslighting (deception) and it appears to the children that parent is dysfunctional they will need a way to protect their dignity. This can be done by portraying the deception. However, it is hard to get the children to hear this as they themselves watched the shock the targeted parent experienced at the time of the crisis – which to them appeared out of context and unnatural. Therefore it is important for the targeted parent to have another person in their world that knows them and trusts them – best is a person of stature – that will support them and be that leverage to rebalance the playing field with the alienator.

Mean / Nasty / Distant

Being mean, nasty, or distant towards a parent when the relationship has previously been warm and trusting is cause to take note if the child has been under the influence of a third party that is undermining their love.

Microaggression

The act of doing little things that make the victim uncomfortable without actually treating them with full blown contempt. Such as, ignoring, leering, including others and not them, as well as speaking to them on a lower intellectual level than others. The accumulation of these acts begin to wear the victim down and can feel traumatic.

Moral Injury

As the name implies it is the pain of our conscious when we realize we behaved in a way that goes against our better judgment. This is very relevant is cases of alienation where children are persuaded by a third party to distance themselves from a previously loving parent. Sadly, when the child does realize at some point that they were misled they will hurt for all the grief they caused.

Mystery

A common attribute of alienators is to have a mysterious quality to their personalities. When questioned they will look friendly and innocent without sharing any info or very little info. This leaves the questioner without any information to help process all that is happening.

Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is a strategy that is applied in a relationship where children are present. By driving a wedge between a parent and his or her children, an abuser is able to further isolate and devalue the victim. In the process the child is mentally manipulated into believing that the parent is the cause of their (or the other parent’s) problems and should be feared, disrespected, avoided, or hated. Such strategy is often highly effective as it strikes at the heart of a parent. Or more simply it is the gradual systematic manipulation of a child’s mind to sever the natural trust and affection for the targeted parent.

Pathetic

Being looked upon like a person of pity is the fastest way to lose respect of one’s children. Apparently alienators know this and will play various psychological games on their victims to make them look pitiful and broken. In reality these can be very strong people that have survived huge challenges but cannot survive the manipulative tactics of the alienator because he has taken a power over them for the sole purpose of breaking them. Some forms of power used – can be dependency on them for financial survival – or threats that one will not see their children again if they do not cooperate with the alienator.

Patronage

Alienated parents often find it difficult to realize that they are being degraded by the alienator as it can appear like the alienator only wants to be kind to them and only wants what is best for them. If you look closely however, you will notice that it is not true kindness but a manner of keeping the victim down – like one that cannot cope and needs the assistance of others – and is not kindness at all. More so, these actions have a way of playing into the children’s minds to appear like the targeted parent is a truly weak person.

PTSD

Post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a mental health disorder recognized by the American Psychiatric Association and World Health Organization. PTSD is characterized by a cluster of symptoms that develop days, months, or even years after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event such as murder, a fatal accident, or a natural disaster. Emotional and verbal aggression and abuse can also create symptoms resembling PTSD. Symptoms include intrusive flashbacks, vivid memories and recurring dreams of the trauma, avoidance of anything associated with the event, inability to recall some important aspects of the event, sleep problems, irritability, anger outbursts, concentration problems, hyper-vigilance, and an exaggerated startle response.

Power figure

Often a person in authority whose word is considered law that exploits this trust to gain the loyalty of children towards him/herself and negatively towards the targeted parent. This power figure is often a person with charisma and has a talent for smooth talking. His followers may feel safe in his presence. This safety though is dependent of their accepting his belief.

Power abuse

Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors applied to maintain power and control over a victim that is created from a pre-existing or orchestrated imbalance of power and status between the parties in a relationship. Where healthy relationships are based on equality and respect, in abusive ones the balance of power is uneven and the abuser takes all steps and efforts to maintain that control, at least until he has achieved his goals.

Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse is an insidious, covert form of abuse that happen to unsuspecting individuals who believe they have a trusting relationship when, in fact, the abuser hides his narcissistic or psychopathic qualities.

Selfish / Cold / Stubborn

These are feelings that children will express towards an alienated parent that truly does love them to give themselves justification of the alienation.

Self-Preservation

A form of action or statement from the alienated child to protect his present ‘false’ belief (that the alienated parent is unloving / unstable) by stating explanations that  border on the senseless. There may also be statements that deny that the abuser/alienator is involved or has any influence on them.

Shidduch Trade

A Shidduch is a marriage match made by a third party – the matchmaker. In many orthodox circles marriages are arranged by a matchmaker known as a shadchan. In this context parents investigate the proposed match before allowing their child to meet the suggested boy/girl to see if they feel comfortable with one another. Sadly, this phenomena leaves room for abuse as there are times when children do not have healthy parents to look out for them and the proposed match will not be suitable – but rather ‘dressed up’ by the matchmaker to look suitable. In this way young people are often exploited into marrying unstable spouses.

Silencing

In abusive relationships the victim is often silenced in order to increase their self-doubt, distance them from others who could potentially provide support, and generally prevent them from exposing the abuser. This is done by discrediting and isolating the victim so that they may fear speaking out or doubt whether anyone will listen and believe them. The alienated children may be silenced as well. This is done by master-mining their thought processes to see the alienated parent in a weak light and therefore no longer giving her credibility. Once they lose their respect for the targeted parent the alienator need not worry the children will protect her.

Skeptical

An abuser commonly has a strategy to maintain an attitude of skepticism so that everyone will question the sanity and credibility of the victim rather than looking too closely at the relationship dynamics and their own behavior. There are many forms of skepticism that an abuser may encourage or exploit. These include: the victim is to blame; the victim is mistaken; the victim had an ulterior motive; and the victim is unstable or has other psychological issues.

Stonewalling

A common behavior of an alienated child when a parent attempts to tell them that they are loving parents. The child will refuse to validate any other version of the story other than the one they have been manipulated to believe.

Spell

A hypnotic state of mind where a victim of an alienator holds a specific belief as a fact when it is actually an opinion – often based on fabricated evidence.

Splitting

When the alienating parent enlists others to join their side in the battle against the targeted parent. Thus, splitting the family with the alienators on one side and the target on the other.

Stockholm syndrome

Stockholm syndrome involves the victim paradoxically forming a positive relationship with their oppressor; this is called “trauma bonding” and occurs as the result of repeated cycles of abuse. Intermittent and unpredictable reinforcement of award and punishment creates powerful expectation that develop into emotional bond with the abuser that is resistant to change. The cycle of abuse acts as an effective dynamics to entangle another person. The longer a relationship continues, the more difficult it is for people to leave the abusers with whom they have bonded. The abuser uses the victim’s state of feeling burnt out to create a deeper dependency

Suspicion

A feeling that the child has towards a loving mother/father because they have been manipulated to think a parent does not love them.

The High Road

Often when victims go to mentor on how to deal with the alienation they are advised to take The High Road and to remain silent. It is imperative that each person checks carefully with professionals and Da’as Torah that is knowledgeable about the inherent abuse to be able to guide them specifically on their particular case.

Trauma Bond

The Trauma Bond can also refer to the alienator’s use of the victim’s own endorphins to create both addiction and withdrawal symptoms so that the victim – the targeted parent – looks unstable.

Whitewashing

Abuse is a difficult concept to gain support for. People don’t really want to know that terrible things are happening. As a result when the victim approaches an elder, mentor or community member they’re often told that they are imagining it, it couldn’t possibly have happened how they’re telling it, or that it wasn’t so terrible. Think: deny, diffuse, delude, deflect.

Unwarranted Complaints

When children that have been alienated from a parent are asked why they are avoiding them they will give reasons that are normal for parent child interactions. Such as, she never understood me as a teenager, or she made me clean my room.